My search for God

Genesis 1:2a “The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters.”

As soon as I read the earth is formless and void, I remembered my childhood.

Genesis 1:2b “And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters.”

     And so, the Holy Spirit watched over me in my childhood.

Genesis 1:4 “And God saw that the light was good. Then he separated the light from the darkness. God’s heart is to shine his truth over the darkness of the world.”

God separates light from darkness, and for me, God separated the truth of Him, from the lies of the world.  

But, to understand my salvation story, I need to explain the past with deception and lies that dominated my heart before Christ. 

In childhood my inner convictions:

1.  Perfection: whatever I do, I must live up to my ideal standard.
2.  To live unseen: allow no opportunity for rejection, hurt, and disappointment. 

Commune beliefs: 

2 Corinthians 11:14 “But I am not surprised! Even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.”

1.   The leader proclaimed himself Jesus Christ.
2.  I read horoscopes from time to time, I am a Capricorn, a goat, sure-footed, black and white thought patterns and focused. 
3. Instead of going to heaven or hell we reincarnated into a new baby and provided a new family.
4. The religions of the world have a piece of the truth. My mother explained the concept in this manner: Consider a broken teacup, and falls to the floor. Each piece of the teacup is picked up by a different person. When each person comes together there is a complete teacup again. Religion is the broken teacup, each denomination has chosen a piece of truth. 
5. To love all. We were to memorize 1 Corinthians 13 verse
6. The Daily Golden Gems. This picture is a black and white copy, but the original had vibrant colors of yellow sun rays and a bright blue emblem.   

GOD SOUGHT ME:

Matthew 18:12  “What do you think about this? A man has one hundred sheep and one of them is lost. Will he not leave the ninety-nine and go to the mountains to look for that one lost sheep?”

In my preteens, the Bible found its way into my hands.  

1. Looking through our small commune library I discovered a green hardback KJV Bible. When my mother found it, she encouraged me to read it out loud to her. When I opened to the Book of Corinthians, I read you are not strong enough for food and I am only feeding you milk. Mom’s mouth dropped open and said: “God is talking to you.” Now, I understand the meaning, but then, they were words printed on paper.
2. My grandmother decided I should watch the 700 Club but never watched. She loved listening to the stories of how God worked in people’s lives.  Then they taught something she could not accept and stopped watching. She never asked me again.
3. I was comfortable with there being a God, but not a Jesus. and occasionally I sought this God. One day I was having a teenage crisis in full-blown tears, I needed to know my purpose in life. I begged God to guide me. If He answered, I promised to serve Him. 
4. When I changed schools in the middle of my Junior year, I needed an English class, so Biblical literature sounded easy enough. One of the first days in class, we had a special speaker.  He pulls out a wristwatch and describes the mechanical pieces of the timepiece. He provided crazy numbers if a timepiece came together by chance. Then he mentioned how much more complex the human body, and he gave a larger number. This confirmed that someone had to create the human body. I always knew, but this proved creation. 
5. God sent messengers, but, I determined not to listen. 

• A friend and I are at a park on a Saturday morning waiting for our ride home, when two girls walk up to us.
• They asked if they could talk with each of us, my friend said yes before I could respond no. My messenger started talking gibberish.  She used Christian words I did not recognize, such as sinner and salvation. And then used phrases such as Jesus died for me and forgiveness for my sins. Then she asked me to pray the sinner’s prayer. I bluntly replied “NO.”
• My friend came back, and I asked if she prayed, she said, “yes.” I couldn’t understand why, but my friend said, “What if it’s true?” 
• I was seeking the truth, but not for forgiveness, nor a man named Jesus, or because I was a sinner (whatever that means).

After high school, I began my search for God and truth.

Jeremiah 29:13 “If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.”

1. I started classes in Hollywood with Pat Collins the hypnotist. The upside is I learned how to block pain with hypnosis. For instance, I could have my teeth drilled without Novocaine. The drawback is hypnosis did not dull the anxiety in my heart and gave me no answers to my purpose in life. Also, after the late-night classes, my nerves crawled under my skin. I felt edgy and one way to lift this edginess was to drive and drive fast.  I sailed through the streets so fast my brother held onto the dashboard with both hands.  We were home in record time. Only after Hypnosis did my speed run unrestrained.  

2. I had a lady read tarot cards after work, but unimpressed. My answers were not in Tarot cards.

3. I progressed to a Psychic. Her crystal ball said I would marry a blond. After she delivered the information on marriage, something spooked her in her crystal ball. Her eyes grew enormous, her mouth dropped open, she stood up and said, “We are done.” I didn’t get my full half-hour of readings, but I did not care because I didn’t want to hear my scary future, but she was right about me marrying a blond.

 4. The self-help sections in Bookstores were a favorite, I loved browsing the endless bookshelves. The one Author who caught my eye was, Edgar Cayce, who wrote about finding spirit guides. His books and thought processes went along with my childhood teachings, but I failed at discovering my spirit guide.

Where is the truth?

 I found the truth, and it showed up in an unusual way. 

Isaiah 29:17,18 “Soon, and it will not be very long, the forests of Lebanon will become a fertile field. And the fertile field will yield bountiful crops. In that day, the deaf will hear words read from a book, and the blind will be filled with fresh joy from the Lord.”

In my early twenties, I married a backslidden Christian; I hypnotized him once, and I assume it scared him back to Jesus.  

My husband watched and listened to Christian TV and radio daily. It did not disturb me; I was still searching for the truth. I recognized Christians had part of that religious cup-truth from the story my mother told me as a child. My husband and his friends criticized my beliefs. They referred to the same verse over and over, “Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life, and no one comes to the Father except by him,” confusing to a non-believer. They never instructed me on who Jesus is, they just quoted verses in the Bible to criticize me.  

All I heard most of the time is: “The Bible says-blah, blah, blah.” Mom, read the Bible daily and never mentioned this Jesus. I couldn’t accept Jesus had the truth, and how His death differs from others. In my life, I heard stories of healings.  Pat Collins, the hypnotist, instructed children to hypnotize themselves and heal from cancer. And Krishna said he could heal, which is the particular reason my grandparents joined his commune. Two years before my birth, my grandfather dies of the same cancer Krishna said he could heal.  I am uncertain why it didn’t disturb anyone at the commune, that a man who joined the commune for healing, died. But my grandmother, mother, and many others believed and remained.

I talked my husband into attending a conference of an evangelist we watched perform miracles on TV.  I don’t recall what he preached, but when he concluded, my husband and I lined up for prayer.  The evangelist walked up to us in the front row and he touched my husband first, and he fell back. Next, he stretched his finger to my forehead stating: “This is the power of the Holy Spirit.” I never felt his finger, but I heard a pop come out of both of my ears and I fell backward. 

Romans 1:16 “For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ. It is the POWER of God at work, saving everyone who believes…”

It was the strangest phenomenon. I lay there stunned; it is so hard to explain, but my heart and mind clear and replaced by joy, a comfort I never enjoyed before. I cannot explain, how a person can feel empty and have joy, except this is the best explanation I can provide.  I did not speak of this even to my husband; it was too embarrassing.

I felt like my mind was a file cabinet suddenly opened after being locked many years. I was replacing the lies of my youth and with Biblical truths. My mind would say, reincarnation is untrue, heaven and hell are true places.  “Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.” Jesus is real, there is life after death.  At first, I remained on the floor and turned to my husband beside me and asked if he heard a pop in his ears and he said “no.” So I moved to the wall while others were getting prayed for and the file cabinet of my brain replaced more lies with Biblical truths. This experience strange, but after the pop in my ears, Christianity made sense. 

John 8:32 “And you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”

1. Jesus is God, and He died for me. 
2. For the Bible is the word of God. 
3. I am a sinner, saved by grace.
4. I am loved and I am not alone.
5. God sees me and sought me out.